So I have been meaning to explain the what happened to Brittney and I when we went to Birthing Class for the first time. I know this is not really relevent since our kid has been our of the womb for two months but maybe this story will help another future dad from making the same mistakes I did.
When we arrived at the class, which was all the way in Downtown Charlotte, we found our way to the classroom. This room looked more like a torture chamber with its posters of naked women’s insides and instruments that I have never seen nor heard of. I quickly looked at Brittney and pointed to the door but she pointed to our seat. I tucked my tail between my legs and sat down.
Many couples came pouring in the room in less than 20 minutes. Some of these women looked like they were going to pop and I kept thinking to myself that if one of these women went into labor right now I would be home in 30 minutes to catch the last end of How I Met Your Mother. I would only be so lucky. I looked at the pregnant women’s baby daddies and they looked less thrilled to be her than I did. Some even held their head down in shame.
When our teach came in and introduced herself, I just remember thinking to myself, thank God she does not have a lisp like the women on the movie “Baby Mama”. I now think it would have been more entertaining. We will refer to her in this post as Patty. Patty opened the class with a brief introduction of herself and then we went around the room and introduced ourselves.
Names have been changed due to my lack of memory and fun of making crap up.
Ron and Tammy were having a girl. They were married and she was 34 weeks. Ron looked like he was a member of the Persian Mafia.
Doug and Carrie did not know what they were having and I still do not think the element of surprise is something a new parent needs to be faced with. Carrie was 35 weeks and from what I could tell the two kids liked their baby was a result of a random hookup at the club.
Kelly and Zack were 31 weeks and expecting twin boys! Enough said.
Ross and Rachel were having a girl and were that married couple you hear about in books that you either want to say “Awwwwww” or punch them in the face!
Marshall and Lily were expecting a boy and had were thinking about having a water birth. Thats all I have to say about that.
Patty then proceeded to show posters of what the cervix looks like at 10 cm. She kept telling us to think of it like a turtleneck sweater. This ruined it for me and I still to this day cannot look at a turtleneck sweater the same. It would have not that bad if the pictures were not real.
Patty then proceeded to show us a video of a live birth. Here it was ladies and gentlemen! The moment I had been dreading since Brittney got pregnant. The stupid “live birth” video. I looked down at the ground and took a few deep breaths. Patty told us to give our expectant mother some ice chips during the video. I looked a Brittney and said that she might need to save these for me when I pass out.
About 30 minutes later the movie was over. Both Brittney and I had frozen looks of discuss on our faces. I could not believe people call this a beautiful process cause there is nothing beautiful about what I saw on that screen. I was frozen in horror and just remembered thanking my luck stars that I would not have to go through this myself. I am a strong believer that there is a reason women have the babies.
After the video, Patty went and showed us the length of the epidural needle and that at the time did not seem that bad. Shen then opened the floor for questions and after an additional 45 minutes I was about ready to kill someone if they asked another question that they could have answered at home by just going to Google.com.
They way home Brittney and I talked about the stuff we just learned and the graphic pictures we just witnessed. We both felt more confident with the birth of our child but one thing we learned that was most important was that things can change in a second behind the doors of a delivery room.