Don’t be fooled by the cuteness above people. I have a feeling that this little small genius is plotting to end my life. Why you ask? It’s because there has been some crazy things that have happened in the past month to make me think that my sweet little angel wants me out-of-the-way. Why? Maybe to have Mommy all to herself? So she is free to play with electric outlets? Or maybe it is because Mickey Mouse is the only one who has permission to do “The Hotdog Dance”? I have to admit that I am getting pretty good at it. Whatever is the case, it feels like my little wants me out of the picture and here is why I think that.
Last month I strained my lumbar muscle in my back. I swore up and down that it was a hernia. You want to know how I injured it? I obtained this injury by picking up my kid. Now I have been in a lot of pain and every time I pick her up it hurts a little more. She thinks it is funny. I know she is thinking that now that I have him hurt I am free to stick my finger in the electrical outlet.
A few months ago, I posted that I think that my newborn is making me fat and I still think that. I have not been able to find that time to visit the gym and dieting is something I have never been able to do. The most depressing thing happened this weekend when I was finally unpacking our closet in the master bedroom. I found some clothes in a tote that were labeled “Summer”. I opened the tote and found all my clothes that I had the summer after I had met my wife. I tried them on and was about to cry as I could not even pull the shirt to button it up, my board shorts could not be pulled up past my knees, and anything that said “Size Medium” was automatically thrown in the trash pile. Yes I have gained a lot of weight since welcoming the newest member of the our family in the world, however, does my kid always have to slap my stomach when I hold her? She thinks it is a fun game to see Daddy’s jiggly stomach shake. The reason Daddy’s stomach shakes is because home cooked meals are a thing of the past as getting in line at the local drive through or heating up a frozen meal has become the new normal in my house.
There are times that I come downstairs to take Tan Man out to pee and I suddenly am yelling in pain? Why you asked? Because I stepped on a talking remote control or a musical table that sings the same song over and over again. Its like someone wants me to trip and break my neck on a damn toy.
So if you are reading this and I don’t post anything for a while, you know that I am dead and my infant has succeeded in her task for total “Mommy Domination”, or I am in hiding until my kid gets old enough to ground so I can enforce the truth that I am the parent and she is the child. If the second thing comes into reality, this post will be followed by “How My Kid Has Me Wrapped Around Her Finger” cause lets face it the fact, my daughter is a mastermind and I am going to be in a lot of trouble.