It has been over a month since my last post. Trying to come up with the words to explain what has been going on is a understament. The only way I can describe the past month is that although I am still here, I am incredibly broken. To fully understand this I must start from the beginning…
It was coming the point where excitement was overflowing in our house. We were ready to announce to all of family and friends on the internet that we would be welcoming our second child in May. We were only three days away from being in the second stage of our pregnancy. My wife woke up in the morning getting ready to head to her new job that she absolutely loved. We had a hard time the past few months when she unexpectedly lost her job at Union Breast Surgery. We knew that a new baby was exactly the kind of good news we needed at this point. She said she thought she had a UTI and that if it got worse she would go to the doctor. After going through the morning routine and dropping K-Dub off at her Aunt Kate’s house, I went to work as usual.
I did not hear anything from my wife for some time so after lunch I decided to text her. She said that the pain was getting worse and she was on her way to see the doctor and she would call me if she needed me. So a couple of hours later I had a sense of worry and called my wife. When she answered the phone I knew that something was not right. She struggled to get the words out and all I heard was that my baby stop developing after nine weeks and my wife was actually in labor to deliver our dead child. She told me that she was going to have to go to the hospital and have the baby surgically removed. So I told my boss that I needed to go and headed to the hospital to meet her.
Once I arrived at the hospital I found my wife in her car. I jumped in the passenger seat and held her hand as she cried and handled the pain. She apologized to me for losing another baby and I looked at her and said that it was not her fault and that theres always a bigger plan in motion. These were the words that I found to be saying a lot in the next few weeks and soon you will know why. After we cried in the car and called our parents to let them know what was going on, we headed in the hospital. We got a wheelchair and I pushed my wife to the front desk. I remember the front desk lady not knowing where we needed to go. We went to three departments before we found that we needed to be in the surgical area. My wife at this point had lost a lot of blood. At least it looked like a lot of blood to me. Her scrub pants were completely soaked and she even passed out twice before finding the right place we needed to be.
Once they got her back and stable , I just remember a lot of people coming by and wiping the blood off the table and me holding my wife’s hand tighter and tighter. Then a lady came in with a paper on a clipboard and asked me to sign to give them permission to perform the procedure on my wife. I sat there and stared at this form. This was me signing for them to take my child. It was a moment that was so real and so emotional that I will never forget it. Soon my wife had to go for her procedure and I had to leave. I kissed her on her forehead and said that there was a bigger plan.
I sat in the waiting room alone. Thinking about what had just happened. I was answering text messages and phone calls from parents and close friends. I was trying to keep it together but it was hard. It was hard to be the strong man who my wife needed when all I wanted to was someone to be strong for me. After my wife’s sister, Kate came finally to sit with me and cry with me, we were allowed to come back and see my wife. She told me that she felt a lot better and that she was still in some pain but would make it.
When we got home and settled down I realized that the only person I have not called was my dad. He was so happy when I told him we were having another baby. To break his heart was something that I could not do yet. So I went on to bed.
The next day I went to work and I was just numb. I told some close coworkers about what had happened and they both gave me words of encouragement and cried with me. Around lunch time my brother called me and told me that he had not been able to get in touch with our dad for a few days and wanted to know if I heard anything from him. The last time I saw my dad was Monday. This was a Saturday, so I began to get worried. I ended up leaving work and told my brother to meet me at Dad’s house. When I finally got to the exit that lead to his house, my brother called me and told me that his mailbox was full, there were packages on the doorstep, his truck was in the driveway, but the door was locked and he was not answering. I knew at that point what I was about to walk into.
I told my brother that I had a key and to just wait on me. When I arrived at the house, my key was not working so I ended up telling my brother to kick the door in. After two kicks we were in. We both yelled for Dad to answer but there was nothing. When we arrived in the back bedroom we found him. He had died in his sleep sometime between Monday night and Saturday afternoon. My heart dropped and I feel to the ground. My brother being the law enforcement man he is, went in to work mode and called it in.
The next few hours were very hard for me to recall. I remember feeling like I could not breathe. It was almost like I was hit in the stomach. I recall telling my wife as best as I could over the phone and then my wife said she was on the way. I was beyond devastated. After a couple of hours waiting on a search warrant and then for the funeral home to come and remove the body, I still could not bring myself to process what was going on. I just lost my dad and my child in less than a week. I remember asking myself why me? My wife just looked at me and said that there was a bigger plan.
The next few days were rough. We had to tell the family, his family, and friends what had happened. Our church actually prayed over us and the amount of text messages and phone calls were unreal. The most hardest part was making the arrangements for the funeral. To finally say goodbye to a parent is so tough. The one thing I will never forget was the funeral home asking me to sign the form giving them permission to cremate my dad. I lost it just like I did when I signed the form at the hospital. It was hard but I made through.
The funeral was nice. A lot of family and friends came to say goodbye to my dad. He would have been so proud of how my brother and I arranged everything. From the flowers to the service, we handled it. For him.
The next few days after the funeral, I found myself having to clean out his house of his belongings. He had a lot of books and movies. So many that we ended up donated them to the local libraries around our area. I had to find places to put things and I am still trying to settle all of his affairs.
My job gave me two weeks bereavement to sort out everything but on Thursday this week told me that they had to let me go. So in three weeks I have lost my child, my dad, and now my job. The news in a strange way made me feel relived. I had not been happy there for a a while but after hearing this news, the only thing I could tell you was that I was already numb and I was not ready to process this. I finally told my wife and she was more in a panic than I was.
In spite of everything, I am in good spirits. Why you ask? Because there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am really a stay at home dad which is something I always wanted to try to people always told me I would be great at it. Also, I can finish settling my dad’s affairs. Now I can spend some much-needed time with my mom, who just had her leg amputated. Now I log more miles in with running since I have not run in almost a month. Its going to be an adjustment and there are times where I have trouble getting out of bed. I have to keep telling myself that there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am more excited to see what exactly it is and where it will take me. I will miss my dad and my child but I am reminded everyday that they are with me. I know its weird but I just feel at peace with everything. It’s like they never left. I also know that they will be with as I embark on a bigger plan.