The Mother Of All Days

I know I am a little behind on my Mother’s Day post but it would not be right to no make a post dedicated to my two favorite women…

My Mom

  

My mom has taught me so much, including how to be a great husband and father. She has always went out of her way to make sure my brother and I were taken care of. Our childhood was awesome and a lot of that was because of her. She is the best cheerleader and did the best job when it came to raising two wonderful boys.

My Wife

  

I could not ask for a better mother of my children then this lady. There is no one I would rather co-parent with then her. She knows so much and has taught me a lot about being dad and what is expected out of me. She is the best teammate. Together we will survive this thing call parenthood. Our daughter and one on the way are so luck to have you in their life.

 

Love you both and I hope you had an awesome Mother’s Day!

A Bigger Plan

It has been over a month since my last post. Trying to come up with the words to explain what has been going on is a understament. The only way I can describe the past month is that although I am still here, I am incredibly broken. To fully understand this I must start from the beginning…

It was coming the point where excitement was overflowing in our house. We were ready to announce to all of family and friends on the internet that we would be welcoming our second child in May. We were only three days away from being in the second stage of our pregnancy. My wife woke up in the morning getting ready to head to her new job that she absolutely loved. We had a hard time the past few months when she unexpectedly lost her job at Union Breast Surgery. We knew that a new baby was exactly the kind of good news we needed at this point. She said she thought she had a UTI and that if it got worse she would go to the doctor. After going through the morning routine and dropping K-Dub off at her Aunt Kate’s house, I went to work as usual.

I did not hear anything from my wife for some time so after lunch I decided to text her. She said that the pain was getting worse and she was on her way to see the doctor and she would call me if she needed me. So a couple of hours later I had a sense of worry and called my wife. When she answered the phone I knew that something was not right. She struggled to get the words out and all I heard was that my baby stop developing after nine weeks and my wife was actually in labor to deliver our dead child. She told me that she was going to have to go to the hospital and have the baby surgically removed. So I told my boss that I needed to go and headed to the hospital to meet her.

Once I arrived at the hospital I found my wife in her car. I jumped in the passenger seat and held her hand as she cried and handled the pain. She apologized to me for losing another baby and I looked at her and said that it was not her fault  and that theres always a bigger plan in motion. These were the words that I found to be saying a lot in the next few weeks and soon you will know why. After we cried in the car and called our parents to let them know what was going on, we headed in the hospital. We got a wheelchair and I pushed my wife to the front desk. I remember the front desk lady not knowing where we needed to go. We went to three departments before we found that we needed to be in the surgical area. My wife at this point had lost a lot of blood. At least it looked like a lot of blood to me. Her scrub pants were completely soaked and she even passed out twice before finding the right place we needed to be.

Once they got her back and stable , I just remember a lot of people coming by and wiping the blood off the table and me holding my wife’s hand tighter and tighter. Then a lady came in with a paper on a clipboard and asked me to sign to give them permission to perform the procedure on my wife. I sat there and stared at this form. This was me signing for them to take my child. It was a moment that was so real and so emotional that I will never forget it. Soon my wife had to go for her procedure and I had to leave. I kissed her on her forehead and said that there was a bigger plan.

I sat in the waiting room alone. Thinking about what had just happened. I was answering text messages and phone calls from parents and close friends. I was trying to keep it together but it was hard. It was hard to be the strong man who my wife needed when all I wanted to was someone to be strong for me. After my wife’s sister, Kate came finally to sit with me and cry with me, we were allowed to come back and see my wife. She told me that she felt a lot better and that she was still in some pain but would make it.

When we got home and settled down I realized that the only person I have not called was my dad. He was so happy when I told him we were having another baby. To break his heart was something that I could not do yet. So I went on to bed.

The next day I went to work and I was just numb. I told some close coworkers about what had happened and they both gave me words of encouragement and cried with me. Around lunch time my brother called me and told me that he had not been able to get in touch with our dad for a few days and wanted to know if I heard anything from him. The last time I saw my dad was Monday. This was a Saturday, so I began to get worried. I ended up leaving work and told my brother to meet me at Dad’s house. When I finally got to the exit that lead to his house, my brother called me and told me that his mailbox was full, there were packages on the doorstep, his truck was in the driveway, but the door was locked and he was not answering. I knew at that point what I was about to walk into.

I told my brother that I had a key and to just wait on me. When I arrived at the house, my key was not working so I ended up telling my brother to kick the door in. After two kicks we were in. We both yelled for Dad to answer but there was nothing. When we arrived in the back bedroom we found him. He had died in his sleep sometime between Monday night and Saturday afternoon. My heart dropped and I feel to the ground. My brother being the law enforcement man he is, went in to work mode and called it in.

The next few hours were very hard for me to recall. I remember feeling like I could not breathe. It was almost like I was hit in the stomach. I recall telling my wife as best as I could over the phone and then my wife said she was on the way. I was beyond devastated. After a couple of hours waiting on a search warrant and then for the funeral home to come and remove the body, I still could not bring myself to process what was going on. I just lost my dad and my child in less than a week. I remember asking myself why me? My wife just looked at me and said that there was a bigger plan.

The next few days were rough. We had to tell the family, his family, and friends what had happened. Our church actually prayed over us and the amount of text messages and phone calls were unreal. The most hardest part was making the arrangements for the funeral. To finally say goodbye to a parent is so tough. The one thing I will never forget was the funeral home asking me to sign the form giving them permission to cremate my dad. I lost it just like I did when I signed the form at the hospital. It was hard but I made through.

The funeral was nice. A lot of family and friends came to say goodbye to my dad. He would have been so proud of how my brother and I arranged everything. From the flowers to the service, we handled it. For him.

The next few days after the funeral, I found myself having to clean out his house of his belongings. He had a lot of books and movies. So many that we ended up donated them to the local libraries around our area. I had to find places to put things and I am still trying to settle all of his affairs.

My job gave me two weeks bereavement to sort out everything but on Thursday this week told me that they had to let me go. So in three weeks I have lost my child, my dad, and now my job. The news in a strange way made me feel relived. I had not been happy there for a a while but after hearing this news, the only thing I could tell you was that I was already numb and I was not ready to process this. I finally told my wife and she was more in a panic than I was.

In spite of everything, I am in good spirits. Why you ask? Because there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am really a stay at home dad which is something I always wanted to try to people always told me I would be great at it. Also,  I can finish settling my dad’s affairs. Now I can spend some much-needed time with my mom, who just had her leg amputated. Now I log more miles in with running since I have not run in almost a month. Its going to be an adjustment and there are times where I have trouble getting out of bed. I have to keep telling myself that there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am more excited to see what exactly it is and where it will take me. I will miss my dad and my child but I am reminded everyday that they are with me. I know its weird but I just feel at peace with everything. It’s like they never left. I also know that they will be with as I embark on a bigger plan.

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My Second Father’s Day!

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We’ll this is my second Father’s Day and it has been amazing. This is a very important holiday for me. It’s a time to celebrate all things DAD. I love being a dad and it’s one of jobs I take very seriously. It’s not so much of a job as it is a pleasure. The love you have for your child is one you would never trade not could ever explain. It’s always great to spend this one day a year to celebrate a man’s love for there child and everything they mean to them.

This morning I was awakened by my wife and daughter with smiles and kisses. I love those kisses. They are the best. Soon we went downstairs and my wife made me a special pancake breakfast. Then she gave me a nice big card the K-Dub made me that said “#1 DAD”. It was the best I could ask for.

My wife then surprised me with a trip to Starbucks on the way to church. She just knows how to make me feel special.

Now we are taking a trip that I will explain in my next entry. I am very excited cause I am in vacation for the next week and it’s a week full of fun and family time. Both are what this guy really needs.

So happy Father’s Day to all those other wonderful dads out their. Those blogger dads I follow, members of the Dads Round Table I follow on Twitter I just wanted to say happy Father’s Day. You guys are awesome and I would not be the dad I am today if it was not for support.

Also I can’t forget the dads I see on a regular basis who mean so much to me.

My father-in-law Ken who has showed me time and time again what it means to be a true family man and that nothing is more important.

My brother-in-law Spencer who is the best dad for my nephew. His work ethic is off the charts and is just a proven example that with a lot of hard work anything is possible.

My brother Brian who is the best example of a husband and father. My nieces are so lucky to have you. You are amazing and selfless.

And finally my dad who is my best friend. The one I can tell anything to. You have helped me so much over the years and your advice is treasured and needed. You are wonderful grandpa to K-Dub and I love you.

Happy Father’s Day Dads!

(#5) 10 Weeks Till Parenthood

Well we are almost finished. I can’t believe it’s almost here and I feel so unprepared. I think I have done a good job up until now about not panicking but I am full panick mode now. There is still so much to be done before Karsyn gets here. I still have to put the last finishing touches on her room. Trying to organize has been the hardest thing.

I guess every new dad goes through things like this. The constant thoughts like “Am I ready for this?” or “What if I screw this up?” These are the kind of thoughts I have had for the past few weeks. I am scared that this is going to be something I fail at miserably cause I know nothing about babies or how to take care of them. I guess it is time to break out the baby book for another refresher course.

On the brighter side, my family did receive some awesome news last night. My brother and his wife are expecting their second child. I am so happy for them and they are already wonderful parents to my niece Charlee. I am so excited for being an uncle for the second time. Its going to be amazing!

A Letter To Our First Unborn Child

Dear He or She,

Well today would have been the day we were suppose to meet you. I could just imagine how excited your mom would have been. We would have introduced you to your family that would do nothing but surround you with love.

I know you are not here with us anymore but I want you to know Mommy and Daddy are ok. Your little sister is on her way and we know that you would have loved her. Sometimes I wonder who’s smile you would have had or if you would have gotten your mom’s brains or my creative side. I wonder if you would have been a doctor or a writer or even a musician. Instead you are up in heaven watching your mom and I with love and protection.

We will never forget the short time we had with you and we will never forget that today was the day you were suppose to be born. We love you and please continue to watch over us until the day we meet you for the first time. Love ya kiddo!

Love,

Daddy