My Gym Fail- The Wet Pants Incident

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A funny thing happened to me yesterday after my workout. This has never happened to and looking back it is really funny. It was not so funny yesterday.

So I got to the gym very early in the morning around five. I went I to the locker room and hung my pants up that I was going to wear to work then headed upstairs to the track to do mile four mile run.

After finally finishing my run I headed back downstairs while sipping on my water bottle. I got to the locker room and got ready to take a shower. I put my water bottle on the top shelf and headed to get cleaned off.

After showering I went back to my locker to get ready for work and found that my pant were completely soaked. I was stood there with a blank expression on my face. The. I looked up and saw that I did not screw the cap on my water bottle tight enough and it had leaked all over my pants.

So I stood there wondering how in the hell I was going to fix the situation. It was too late to head back home for another pair of pants and it was going to take forever for these pants to dry. So the only solution I had was to wear my dirty, smelly, and damp workout shorts to work.

The entire day I was in my workout shorts and a polo shirt that did not even match. I stood out like a sore thin all day. My coworkers got a good laugh at my explanation and picked on my all day. Another bad thing was that I could smell my shorts all day. It was gross!

You would think that I took these shorts off when I got home. I did not and actually went to dinner and had a trip to Target in them. Why not? By that time the smell had burned a permanent hole in my nose so I was invincible to the horrid smell.

So lesson learned today to always make sure the lid to your water bottle is screwed on very tight before heading to the showers. If not then you get wet pants and smelly shorts!

Reasons My Thanksgiving Dinner Could Go Wrong

We are one week away from Thanksgiving! WOOT! WOOT! I am getting excited and a little scared. This time next week I will be slaving over a hot stove and tearing my hair out trying to put on an awesome meal. I hope you enjoyed the video above cause that song is now in my head and I will be singing all day next week.

This will be the first time I ever cooked Thanksgiving ever. I am so nervous that I am going to mess it up. I sat in my thinking chair which is in the living, while K-Dub was bouncing along with Mickey Mouse and “The Hotdog Dance” gang, thinking about every possible scenario that could go wrong next Thursday.

My biggest fear is that my turkey comes out either undercooked or dry. I have never made a turkey before and all week I have sat at my computer at work and googled “How to make a turkey”. Lets face it. The turkey is the nucleus of the meal and if that is not good, people just turned their nose up at the rest of your meal. It’s a Thanksgiving fact.

Another fear of mine is that my relatives get into a fight. I could just something being said or someone foaming from the mouth thinking they are funny and then someone taking it the wrong way. The next thing you know you are cleaning blood out of the carpet and the police are putting Uncle Willey in the back of a police car. Maybe I am being a little dramatic or its the wine that I drank while writing this but family arguments are always a holiday tradition in my family. Oh, and I don’t have an Uncle Willey.

One of my fears is the possibility of having too much sauce. By sauce, I mean wine. The last thing I need to happen is for everyone to find me in the coat closet pretending I am camping. This actually happened but not on Thanksgiving and I was also trying to make smores out of people’s shoes. I know that its weird. I better pace myself.

So here is to a hope to be awesome Thanksgiving. With only a week left to prepare, lets see if I can keep the disasters down to a minimum. Good luck to you all too!

Why I Think My 10 Month Old Is Trying To Kill Me

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Don’t be fooled by the cuteness above people. I have a feeling that this little small genius is plotting to end my life. Why you ask? It’s because there has been some crazy things that have happened in the past month to make me think that my sweet little angel wants me out-of-the-way. Why? Maybe to have Mommy all to herself? So she is free to play with electric outlets? Or maybe it is because Mickey Mouse is the only one who has permission to do “The Hotdog Dance”? I have to admit that I am getting pretty good at it. Whatever is the case, it feels like my little wants me out of the picture and here is why I think that.

Last month I strained my lumbar muscle in my back. I swore up and down that it was a hernia. You want to know how I injured it? I obtained this injury by picking up my kid.  Now I have been in a lot of pain and every time I pick her up it hurts a little more. She thinks it is funny. I know she is thinking that now that I have him hurt I am free to stick my finger in the electrical outlet.

A few months ago, I posted that I think that my newborn is making me fat and I still think that. I have not been able to find that time to visit the gym and dieting is something I have never been able to do. The most depressing thing happened this weekend when I was finally unpacking our closet in the master bedroom. I found some clothes in a tote that were labeled “Summer”. I opened the tote and found all my clothes that I had the summer after I had met my wife. I tried them on and was about to cry as I could not even pull the shirt to button it up, my board shorts could not be pulled up past my knees, and anything that said “Size Medium” was automatically thrown in the trash pile. Yes I have gained a lot of weight since welcoming the newest member of the our family in the world, however, does my kid always have to slap my stomach when I hold her? She thinks it is a fun game to see Daddy’s jiggly stomach shake. The reason Daddy’s stomach shakes is because home cooked meals are a thing of the past as getting in line at the local drive through or heating up a frozen meal has become the new normal in my house.

There are times that I come downstairs to take Tan Man out to pee and I suddenly am yelling in pain? Why you asked? Because I stepped on a talking remote control or a musical table that sings the same song over and over again. Its like someone wants me to trip and break my neck on a damn toy. 

So if you are reading this and I don’t post anything for a while, you know that I am dead and my infant has succeeded in her task for total “Mommy Domination”, or I am in hiding until my kid gets old enough to ground so I can enforce the truth that I am the parent and she is the child. If the second thing comes into reality, this post will be followed by “How My Kid Has Me Wrapped Around Her Finger” cause lets face it the fact, my daughter is a mastermind and I am going to be in a lot of trouble.

The Reese’s Easter Egg Hunt From Hell!

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I love Easter and everything that comes with it. Going to church, getting dressed up, coloring eggs, making a basket for my daughter, and chocolate bunnies are just a few of the things that I look forward to during this season. When Easter comes you know that it is officially Spring Time, which is one of my favorite times of the year. The only think that sucks about Spring is the all that stupid pollen getting on your car. I hate that stuff. My car always looks like I Big Bird came all over it. Stupid Big Bird!

The best thing about Easter is what happens the day after Easter. Thats right my other fat friends! It’s the day where all the stores slap a 50% off sticker on all the Easter merchandise. Its a big deal cause there is one thing that I will beat an old lady down for. This wonderful confection is known as the Reese’s Easter Egg! These things are so good. They are not like regular Reese’s peanut butter cups, but better! They have so much more peanut butter and chocolate goodness in them. I consider them my reward for my Easter festivities that I went through, however, obtaining these sweet candies from heaven is nothing to take lightly.

Monday morning I got up and got my daughter ready for our outing which was really hard cause she hates her car seat. I had to explain to her that Daddy had some important errands to run and she had to come along. She of course did not understand me and continued to scream at the top of her lungs until I just put her in the car and started playing Justin Timberlake and she passed out. Please remember that Justin Timberlake’s sexy man voice makes panties fall and kids go to sleep. True story. Finally we were on our way.

I pulled into my local Target store and got the rugrat out and headed inside. It never ceases to amaze me how many women look at a man with baby and a diaper bag. I mean some of those women could have turned me to stone they were staring so hard. Now I have to confess that they were actually staring at the handbags behind me that were on sale, but a man can dream can’t he? Karsyn was still asleep so I put her in the buggie and headed down to the Easter aisle.

When I arrived there was not that many people there so I thought this was going to be an easy task. I walk the aisles and could not find the Reese’s Easter Eggs. Was I too late? Did people already come and get them? How many people are as addicted to these things as me? Does this post make me sound like a fatty? Please don’t answer that last one. I looked at the front of the aisle in awe as I saw the holy grail of Easter candy. There was only one problem….. there was only three one pound bags left and 2 trays of 6 of the larger eggs left. I raced to the display and then to my shock an old lady cut me off. Now I am generally a nice guy but this lady was a devil in a huge floral dress. She smiled at me as she cut me off. I looked at her and thought “you bitch!!” I was not about to let this old lady come between me and my beloved clearance Easter treats. Game on old lady, game on!

What happened next was not one of my most proud moment. Please don’t judge me and/or call the police on me for what I did. I am still having trouble sleeping at night. I griped my shopping cart tightly and rammed it in to the side of the old lady’s cart, causing it to swing into the center aisle. I looked at the old lady, who looked like I had just ran over her dog, and said “I am so sorry Mam, I did not see you there” with the biggest smile I could manage to give. I turned and grabbed the last packages of Reese Easter Eggs and started on my way but not before helping the old lady retrieve her shopping cart. I of course did it with a huge “don’t fuck with me” look along with a little swag in my step.

Then the old lady looked at me defeated, and like The Grinch, my heart grew two sizes that day. I reached in my cart and grabbed two bags of candy and gave them to her and said “I think this is what you came for”. I am not going to lie it was beginning to look like a 90’s sitcom with the sad music that starts playing when the conflict is resolved at the end of the episode. Yes, I have seen way too many episodes of Full House. The old lady looked at me and said thanks and went about her shopping trip like she had just won the Olympics.

I picked up a few more items I came for and headed to the front to pay. I felt like I won the lottery! I know that these little yellow packages of pure peanut butter awesomeness won’t last forever but that is what makes them so special. They only come around once a year and when you get them you have to cherish them. Just like those moments in life. I learned a lot that day but one thing sticks out more than others. It wasn’t not to hit old women’s shopping carts, or Justin Timberlake can make you kid go to sleep, or that I look good carrying a diaper bag. It was that when it comes to the day after Easter, I need to get up a hell of a lot earlier if I want more of those sweet treats. See you next year Reese’s Easter Eggs!