I love Easter and everything that comes with it. Going to church, getting dressed up, coloring eggs, making a basket for my daughter, and chocolate bunnies are just a few of the things that I look forward to during this season. When Easter comes you know that it is officially Spring Time, which is one of my favorite times of the year. The only think that sucks about Spring is the all that stupid pollen getting on your car. I hate that stuff. My car always looks like I Big Bird came all over it. Stupid Big Bird!
The best thing about Easter is what happens the day after Easter. Thats right my other fat friends! It’s the day where all the stores slap a 50% off sticker on all the Easter merchandise. Its a big deal cause there is one thing that I will beat an old lady down for. This wonderful confection is known as the Reese’s Easter Egg! These things are so good. They are not like regular Reese’s peanut butter cups, but better! They have so much more peanut butter and chocolate goodness in them. I consider them my reward for my Easter festivities that I went through, however, obtaining these sweet candies from heaven is nothing to take lightly.
Monday morning I got up and got my daughter ready for our outing which was really hard cause she hates her car seat. I had to explain to her that Daddy had some important errands to run and she had to come along. She of course did not understand me and continued to scream at the top of her lungs until I just put her in the car and started playing Justin Timberlake and she passed out. Please remember that Justin Timberlake’s sexy man voice makes panties fall and kids go to sleep. True story. Finally we were on our way.
I pulled into my local Target store and got the rugrat out and headed inside. It never ceases to amaze me how many women look at a man with baby and a diaper bag. I mean some of those women could have turned me to stone they were staring so hard. Now I have to confess that they were actually staring at the handbags behind me that were on sale, but a man can dream can’t he? Karsyn was still asleep so I put her in the buggie and headed down to the Easter aisle.
When I arrived there was not that many people there so I thought this was going to be an easy task. I walk the aisles and could not find the Reese’s Easter Eggs. Was I too late? Did people already come and get them? How many people are as addicted to these things as me? Does this post make me sound like a fatty? Please don’t answer that last one. I looked at the front of the aisle in awe as I saw the holy grail of Easter candy. There was only one problem….. there was only three one pound bags left and 2 trays of 6 of the larger eggs left. I raced to the display and then to my shock an old lady cut me off. Now I am generally a nice guy but this lady was a devil in a huge floral dress. She smiled at me as she cut me off. I looked at her and thought “you bitch!!” I was not about to let this old lady come between me and my beloved clearance Easter treats. Game on old lady, game on!
What happened next was not one of my most proud moment. Please don’t judge me and/or call the police on me for what I did. I am still having trouble sleeping at night. I griped my shopping cart tightly and rammed it in to the side of the old lady’s cart, causing it to swing into the center aisle. I looked at the old lady, who looked like I had just ran over her dog, and said “I am so sorry Mam, I did not see you there” with the biggest smile I could manage to give. I turned and grabbed the last packages of Reese Easter Eggs and started on my way but not before helping the old lady retrieve her shopping cart. I of course did it with a huge “don’t fuck with me” look along with a little swag in my step.
Then the old lady looked at me defeated, and like The Grinch, my heart grew two sizes that day. I reached in my cart and grabbed two bags of candy and gave them to her and said “I think this is what you came for”. I am not going to lie it was beginning to look like a 90’s sitcom with the sad music that starts playing when the conflict is resolved at the end of the episode. Yes, I have seen way too many episodes of Full House. The old lady looked at me and said thanks and went about her shopping trip like she had just won the Olympics.
I picked up a few more items I came for and headed to the front to pay. I felt like I won the lottery! I know that these little yellow packages of pure peanut butter awesomeness won’t last forever but that is what makes them so special. They only come around once a year and when you get them you have to cherish them. Just like those moments in life. I learned a lot that day but one thing sticks out more than others. It wasn’t not to hit old women’s shopping carts, or Justin Timberlake can make you kid go to sleep, or that I look good carrying a diaper bag. It was that when it comes to the day after Easter, I need to get up a hell of a lot earlier if I want more of those sweet treats. See you next year Reese’s Easter Eggs!